Fast Facts

A fairly common result from receiving a diagnosis like this is something called Cancer Ghosting, where a friend or loved one stops communicating altogether with the person in treatment.
Connecting with other breast cancer survivors gives someone with a new diagnosis a person to turn to with their questions and worries.
Doctors appointments are numerous for breast cancer patients; volunteering to drive them to and from appointments is a valuable way to support and save them money.
Checking in however you can–calling, texting, or visiting–helps battle the isolation that sometimes comes with a cancer diagnosis.

I was getting dressed for the day when I first felt it–a lump, invisible unless you brushed your fingers over it. It was at the top of my right breast, and the moment I felt it I knew something was horribly wrong.

I called my doctor immediately and she scheduled my appointment for three days later. As I waited I began to Google the odds. I was in my early 30’s, no family history of breast cancer, relatively healthy, and I didn’t smoke.

It’s probably just a cist, the internet told me.

But my doctor’s eyes were wide when she felt it too. I was rushed through the initial testing, wrapped in a medical half-gown that tied at the side so that it never closed properly. An ultrasound, a mammogram, a biopsy.

In between each test I was placed in a waiting room full of women, staring blankly ahead of them, wearing the same half-gown I was. The only thing in the room aside from us and the chairs was a large handsewn quilt with a pink breast cancer awareness ribbon on it.

I hated that quilt.

It would take a week to get the results, and that week was when I learned that the waiting, the not knowing, was even scarier than the inevitable call to confirm your worst fears.

Support Saves Lives

It is strange to designate any part of a harrowing diagnosis as “the best part,” but nevertheless, there was one silver lining: the support I received from family and friends. From work colleagues I’d only known for six months, to new friends I had only just made, to old friends across the country, their support was a life saver in more than one way.

Breast cancer patients all have extremely varied experiences when it comes to their medical team, insurance provider, diagnosis, and relationships of course, but here are some of the lessons I learned from the experience about how best to support someone going through the journey.

Advice for Friends and Family of a Breast Cancer Patient

A strange thing you learn as a breast cancer patient is that the most valuable help and support will come from the most unexpected people. Everyone responds differently to a diagnosis, and the ones that rally around you will each do it differently.

Nevertheless, here are a few things to keep in mind.

Don’t be insulted if they don’t tell you everything straight away

Announcing that you have breast cancer to friends or family is awkward at best, traumatic at worst. In your head you know the people you have to inform, but the reality is that every person you contact will have some amount of follow up questions that you won’t be able to answer yet.

There is also the fairly common reaction of not wanting to be a burden–emotionally or physically, on others. Although it feels like our world is ending, we are also aware that everyone else is still living their own life and facing their own challenges.

From the jump, I knew that the first people I needed to call were my parents. Unfortunately for me, they had left the country that very week for a once-in-a-lifetime retirement vacation overseas. So the question became: do I call my parents and potentially ruin their holiday by burdening them with my own fears, or should I wait for them to come back?

With thoughts like that holding us back from being the bearer of bad news, don’t be surprised if your loved one has already started their own process before reaching out to tell you.

Keep the focus on them

A breast cancer diagnosis is intense and upsetting news for both the person with the diagnosis and their loved ones. However, if you as a loved one do find yourself wanting or needing to talk about how the experience is making you feel, avoid doing it to the person you are trying to support. It is difficult enough to deal with the initial diagnosis, doctor’s appointments, and waiting on results without friends or family stating that this whole ordeal has really been hard for them personally.

Don’t become a Cancer Ghost

Knowing what to say to someone in these sensitive situations is challenging unless you’ve been through it yourself, but it is important to note that any amount of comfort you can provide is better than becoming paralyzed by not knowing what to say. A fairly common result from receiving a diagnosis like this is something called Cancer Ghosting, where a friend or loved one stops communicating altogether with the person in treatment. It is so common, in fact, that according to a poll by Breastcancer.org, “more than 75% said they’d had friends or family members withdraw from them since their cancer diagnosis.”

There is no one right thing to say, but being present at all after your loved one’s diagnosis gives them someone to lean on when they need it most.

Connect them with another survivor that you know

When you begin to tell people that you have cancer, you start to see exactly how many people around you have also had cancer. The stories about breast cancer that I had grown up with had almost always ended in tragedy, so meeting so many survivors was actually extremely encouraging.

I wasn’t in this alone, I realized, and my cancer wasn’t a death sentence. In fact, it was barely even unique.

I spoke with several survivors at the time, all with varied experiences. Some had chemo and radiation, others needed an expander before they could have a follow-up with the plastic surgeon, and one had reoccurring breast cancer that she regularly beat like it was just another particularly bad flu.

If you don’t know a survivor yourself, then you can also pass them resources that can connect them with other survivors. The one that I used was Imerman Angels, which scheduled a call with another survivor in a different state. We discussed our respective experiences for hours, and the mutual understanding was very therapeutic.

Lend them useful items they may need for recovering from chemo or surgery

Maybe you’ve had a recent surgery and are now the proud owner of a shower stool, or maybe you work from home and have a compact desk that fits next to your couch. Either way, you might have something that can help your friend or family member post-surgery, or while recovering from chemo. Even a puzzle to do post-surgery is helpful (and one less thing to buy and plan for).

Text them encouraging messages on medically-significant dates

Once you know the date of your loved one’s surgery or first day of chemo or radiation, mark it on your calendar and be sure to send them an encouraging text on the day.

My own experience included waking up from my mastectomy and reconstruction surgery to hearing this ominous update from doctors: whether the cancer had spread to my lymph nodes and to the rest of my body. In other words, the testing they were doing while I was unconscious would determine whether or not I would need radiation and chemotherapy to follow my surgery. I wasn’t even positive whether or not I would wake up with a breast at all, or if I would need a follow-up with my plastic surgeon for the reconstruction.

Most of those terrifying memories faded pretty quickly when I got my phone back, and it was absolutely buzzing with encouragement and love from my friends. No matter the post-surgery outcome, my friends were there for me.

Offer to drive them to and from appointments

I went from a few doctors appointments a year with one to two individuals to suddenly finding myself at several different medical offices and hospitals consulting with an entire team of professionals. At the time I didn’t have a car, so I found myself paying for endless Lyft rides to and from my appointments.

Had I needed more treatment beyond the initial surgery, I would have had to coordinate daily rides to radiation, and following that, even more rides to chemo for months after that. If you have a car and live nearby, volunteering to drive your loved one to their appointments can save on the already astronomical costs of treatment, plus provide emotional support at and after the appointment itself.

If you are too far away to drive them yourself, make sure that they know the resources available in their area for cancer patients going to and from doctors appointments that might save them money or time. You can also ask our Assistant about relevant transportation options in your area.

Send them a care package

I am a big fan of care packages–both making them and receiving them. My long-distance friend, who was too far away to regularly visit or volunteer to drive me to appointments, made sure to send me a big box of comforting items before the date of my mastectomy. Another friend, who had undergone a similar surgery earlier that year, made sure to pass on a whole bag full of useful items that she knew I would need or use.

For one reason or another, I became completely dependent on a few of those gifted items, and still use them today.

Find a complete list of our post-surgery care package recommendations here.

Get them out of the house (when they aren’t recovering from treatment)

For me, one of the busiest and most enjoyable seasons of the year was, naturally, the exact time period when I was diagnosed. The month of October was booked full with social interaction, ticketed events, and house guests. The day that my friends and I were meant to attend a paid event, I could not muster the energy nor the enthusiasm.

I was anticipating crowds and long lines and was worried that by attending at all, I would bring a cancerous cloud with me that would smother the good mood. Luckily, I didn’t voice my doubts out loud, knowing that, if I were to stay home alone while my friends were all out, I would only feel worse. I ended up going out, and, by the end of the night, all of my fears were unfounded. The event was relaxing, the setting was beautiful, and it all took place outside in the fresh air. By the time I got home, I felt much better than I had before I left.

Pay them a visit when they are feeling up to it

If your loved one is recovering from surgery or sick after a chemo appointment, chances are that they won’t be able to entertain you for long, if at all. However, before their appointment or after their recovery are good times to plan a visit just to keep them company or check in.

Regularly check in with them

If you haven’t heard anything from your loved one in a while and are curious as to how their treatment is going, always feel free to send a text. It is a quick gesture that lets them know you are still thinking about them.

Commit to the caregiving you can without overpromising

Our first instinct when it comes to our loved ones is to offer them as much help as we can, and sometimes more than we can. I had friends that were already overcommitted telling me that they would make themselves available for important surgery dates if I needed them. Make sure you evaluate what you can realistically commit to before promising the moon.

Go to them for the holidays

For family members, regardless of where you usually spend your holidays, consider spending this year’s holidays by going to them. If your loved one is recovering from surgery or still undergoing regular treatment or appointments, they will likely not be able to drive long distances or fly to you. Stay either in their residence or at a nearby hotel, and enlist the rest of the family for coordinating traditions or dinners. There is a chance that your loved one may not want to entertain company during the holidays, but for me, having family nearby while I was recovering was a valuable experience.

Don’t be insulted if they aren’t sending out regular updates

Between the doctor’s appointments, insurance, and the near-constant, overarching anxiety, sending regular updates to friends and family is oftentimes not our top priority. I kept a notebook that contained an endless to-do list of appointments and next steps. I was still working my 9-5. I was trying to figure out what I needed to buy and coordinate before my first surgery. I could barely keep my head on straight in the day-to-day, let alone remember what updates I had texted to whom and when.

No matter how you show your support for your friend or family member, just know that even something as simple as a text or a plate of cookies left on the porch goes a tremendous way towards making your loved one feel less isolated or alone. Even by reading this article, you are supporting them.

In the end, I didn’t need radiation or chemotherapy following my mastectomy. I had caught the cancer early enough that it hadn’t spread. I also, incredibly, have some extraordinarily positive memories from that time of the love and support everyone in my life showed me.

To get instant caregiving recommendations for services in your area, check out the Assistant feature.